Being Vulnerable . . .

It’s been a while, sorry 😦 but I do miss writing it soothes my soul lol

Just went to a friend’s farewell party and to be honest wasn’t sure I was going to go due to the headache I’ve had all day, but she was leaving to follow her dreams and moving to the big city NYC! So I wanted to be there. It was a very emotional night, a lot of kind words were said about her, then it came time for people to speak. I didn’t want to speak because I’m terrified of public speaking and my voice seems to always crack even when I’m confident. But, all the ladies at my table got up and we have all known each other for a long time, since undergrad, so we all said something. I was the last to speak and right before I didn’t know what to say, until my friend before me said how our friend was there for her in her lowest moments. I started to think of my lowest moment, which was in the hospital last April and how the young lady we were honoring visited me at the hospital. As soon as I opened my mouth my voice started to crack . . . oh god . . .

I started to say how she was always a positive person, even when I wasn’t and was there for me when I was sick and wanted to thank her for that, and started to cry and couldn’t speak. I think for one second I was speaking in tongues, it was so bad I thought. I got a big hug from her and quickly sat down because I was slightly embarrassed, I usually don’t allow myself to cry in public like that, and of course I never want people to see me in that way. . but even though I was embarrassed I was also proud of myself. Not only did I express true gratitude to a friend, but I let complete strangers know about my sickness all at one time. Something I would have never done in the past. I’m growing up. Allowing myself to be vulnerable which is something I would never allow people to see , has always been a fear of mine. I combated two of my biggest fears in one night and I’m okay, I’m fine, not hurt in anyway, other than my ego being slightly bruised 😉

I spoke to my grandmother afterwards, and she was like Krystal you’re human! Another friend mentioned, “I’m sure no one else thought it was out of place , but felt unusual for you.” It felt very unusual . .  Overall a good night,  and a learning experience.

Going to see my GI tomorrow to figure out what’s going on, haven’t been this nervous in a while . .

As always, living one day at a time and remaining hopeful.


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